“Bachelor In Paradise” Aug 29th (Drunken) Reaction

“Bachelor In Paradise” Aug 29th (Drunken) Reaction

Editor’s note: I’m drunk please forgive any typos or obnoxious opinions

I promised in last week’s reaction that I’d do a better job this week. I’ve been drinking and eating heavily for four straight days in honor of Labor Day for no reason at all. So before I get to this week’s reaction, let me crack another PBR.

aviary-image-1472921312930

I feel like I’ve tweeted this a thousand times, but I’ve been #TeamNick ever since Andi’s season.

I never understood why he was perceived as a villain in relation to Josh. The situation he was put in by the producers on Kaitlyn’s season was a different story. Circumstances made it easy to dislike him and for some reason I’ll never understand, America seemed to love Shawn. Both Josh and Shawn sucked. There, I said it. So with the Josh/Nick confrontation heavily teased this week, it was obvious the producers were putting the final touches on their resurrection of Nick. I can’t wait to watch him as the next Bachelor.

*cracking another PBR*

*it’s 4:45pm as I’m typing*

I (kinda not really) feel bad for Ashley. She can’t possibly be this terrible IRL. One theory* I agree with is that her melodramatic, always crying and Jared-obsessed identity is now her livelihood. It’s a marketable character that ABC continues to recast, and therefore, she’s obligated to keep playing it. If she’s not actually this person IRL, she can’t act as such because her value to television would go poof. And so does the clock on her fifteen minutes. Whatever…anyone who’s that obsessed with Jared wearing makeup can’t be trusted. I’m often criticized for making tactless and blunt judgements, but I find it LESS THAN ZERO attractive when women obsess about their makeup the way Ashley does. In my defense, I fully respect the art of makeup. My sister is a senior makeup and wig artist for the Los Angeles Opera. So go fuck yourselves because she’s awesome.

What I can’t wrap my brain around is a woman who needs layers upon layers of foundation, fake eyelashes and bright red lipstick to feel secure on a beach while dirty and covered in sand.

Ashley makeup

As for Jared, the theory* on him is simple: everyone loves him because all we hear about is how everyone loves him. As America watches, we’re constantly told by everyone not named Jared how awesome Jared is. So wow, this Jared guy must really be awesome! But what if he sucks? What if he’s a narcissistic attention whore who’s stringing Ashley along to keep her in love with him to feed his own ego? Clearly nobody from Rhode Island would be that smart terrible, so this can’t be true. I do, however, buy into the theory that he has character flaws just like the rest of the human race. God forbid.

*Theories heard during a must-listen podcast titled “Bachelor Party” hosted by the hilarious Juliet Litman who I absolutely adore. The podcast is produced by Bill Simmons’s “Channel 33” podcast network. If you’re not listening, check it out:

Sorry for the psychoanalysis babble. Back to episode specifics…with more armchair psychoanalysis babble. How about Caila telling Ashley she’s “like a sister” to Jared? I fucking loved it because nothing else would cut into Ashley’s soul as deep.

Ashley Sister.png

Boob sweat aside, Ashley responded with: “I think Caila’s a backstabbing whore of a friend and I’m like ‘just leave me the fuck alone.'”

I still believe Jen is the coolest chick not named Carly on this show.

Jen

*cracking another PBR…it’s 5:20pm*

Rewatching this on hulu.com is making me realize that day drinking home alone while blogging about a group of attractive people day drinking on an all expenses-paid vacation to Mexico isn’t nearly as fun as said day drinking in Mexico.

Fuck you Ashley for not being able to enjoy it.

Ashley fuck you

Wells is definitely an interesting guy and everyone loves him undoubtedly because he’s actually real instead of a cookie cutter metro-sexual in the mold of Robbie and Jordan. Fuck Robbie and Jordan.

Wells

In case you weren’t sure if Ashley sucked or not, just remember how elated everyone was when Wells asked her to go on his date.

Yes, I’m beating a dead horse while listening to a broken record, but the Twins serve zero purpose other than to provide friendship/comic relief during downtime while acting as matchmakers for everyone else. I love them for it, but there’s no suspense wondering if either will “find love” in Paradise.

Twins

Nick and Carly provide the best running commentary and it’s not even close. (And the fact that Nick’s 35 means his word is gospel.)

Nick commentary

Wells before announcing his choice for his date, “Everyone here is really cool…”

*group shot of everyone looking really cool*

Group

I’m barely 30 minutes into the episode OMG I REALLY DON’T CARE THIS MUCH!

Wells took Ashley on a date. It sucked.

Jared and Caila are relieved. Does it matter? Ashley will find a way to destroy them.

The poise Wells shows on his date is exactly the total opposite of what he showed with JoJo in that suspended pool thingy in Argentina. In his defense, JoJo makes me pee down my leg because she looks like this.

πŸ™†πŸΌ

A post shared by JoJo Fletcher (@joelle_fletcher) on

I love that Wells loves tacos because I love tacos too.

IMG_20160109_184310_01

*cracking another PBR at 5:50pm*

*I’m drunk and really need to speed this up*

In addition to tacos, I love the Lace and Grant drama. I love Lace because I am Lace. Yes, I’ve already stated I am Evan, but I’m also Lace. Her entire conflict with Grant stems from him telling her he loves her after only knowing her for five minutes her inability to believe she deserves nice things. She is broken. She does not deserve to be happy. I am broken and do not deserve to be happy. She sabotages anything good that comes into her life. I embrace sabotage anything good that comes into my life. I wish I had someone in my life that would be as patient with me as Grant is with Lace. And this is why we watch reality TV. We see ourselves in these people and can relate to the situations, minus the whole all-expenses-paid Mexican vacation thing. Lace stares back at me when I stare into a mirror, only her stomach is much flatter and my tits are much bigger.

Lace's body

Grant’s jorts are special.

What kind of lunatic separates just one color of Skittles and eats them? It’s all about shoving an entire handful of mixed colors down your face. You’re supposed to taste the rainbow, not just the purple.

Josh Skittles

I give absolutely zero fucks about whoever this is:

Zero Fucks

Josh makes me vomit.

Josh vomit

More vomit.

Josh vomit more

Quick shout out to the producers: After nailing it with the cheesy 80’s-sitcom style opening credits, the producers have been brilliant this season in their self-awareness. They know this show is utterly ridiculous and rather than insult our intelligence, they keep the cheese fondue tower flowing. While Josh moaned to himself in bed, they played porno music while flashing a cheese pizza. Transitioning out of the segment they showed still shots of cock and balls. It was perfection:

Cock

phallic

Balls

balls

If you’re not picking up on these subtly brilliant clues, it’s your loss. Moving on.

*cracking another PBR at 6:21pm*

It’s time for cocktails pre-rose ceremony. Daniel said something about being close to Santa Claus and his helpers giving him some arts and crafts to pass out to the women. I can’t make this shit up.

I hate waiting this long for our first Chris Harrison sighting (excluding opening credits). If there was anyone’s job I’d take, it would be his. Seriously…he chills in a Mexican resort for a month and does nothing but spend 15 minutes a week directing a rose ceremony. Fuck you, Chris Harrison.

Chris H

*Alert: serious emotional real talk ahead*

Lace dropping bombs:

[To Grant] “…and today, I’ll be honest, was a little bit different for me. I woke up thinking like I didn’t know that men like you existed…right, so…   I did! And I said, ‘he makes me feel like I deserve it, and that…'”

[Interview] “Grant does a really good job of leveling me out and just like complementing my weaknesses I guess…but, realizing that I can’t run away from something that I really actually like. It’s just freaky that someone can complement you so well without you even realizing it, you know?”

Hold the presses… We just heard actual evidence of personal growth and self-awareness.

Lace Grant

(she seems so much older than 26…homegirl’s been living life hard)

Carly & Evan… Sorry, but I just can’t invest in these two. Especially when Carly wears something like this:

Carly Evan

Evan is “like totally” falling in love with Carly. Two weeks ago he was telling Amanda she was the only reason he came to Paradise.

Evan falling in love

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CARLY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These show interruptions to accommodate Evan’s boners are a shameless plug for his business.

Holy shit I’m not even halfway done with MONDAY night’s episode. *cracking another PBR at 6:48pm*

Has anyone found out what Daniel does for a living? I need to know.

Daniel job

My guess is Daniel is an improv comedic actor and the producers have strategically planted him. It’s the only explanation that makes sense.

My interest level in Izzy has fallen below zero since she chopped Vinny’s testicles off on national TV.

Who can pull off white jorts? Nick, that’s who.

Nick jorts

Josh to Amanda: “I was worried you didn’t miss me… Oh you’re in trouble for your Houdini act. Hmmph just kidding…”

Josh houdini

Translation: he’s not at all emotionally abusive the way Andi claims he is….

The reality? Amanda was tired and wanted to go to bed by herself. How dare she.

Josh Amanda

*I have to pee*

The whole pulling aside of Nick and subsequent intervention with Amanda by the Twins was obviously staged by the producers. And as great as the Twins are, their tear-filled vague explanation of their “source” was so brutal that I have nothing else to say about it. Everyone will have his/her own opinion of it. Whatever. Additionally, their self-imposed exile from Paradise also reeked of producer intervention. I believe the producers realized the Twins had run their course and were no longer serving a purpose. There were more compelling characters deserving of screen time.

*cracking another PBR at 7:10pm*

This is why I’m excited for Nick as the next Bachelor. He’s genuinely engaged when listening to people and he gives thoughtful responses that are very real even if unpopular. He doesn’t care who he pisses off.

Nick thoughtfull

FINALLY the actually rose ceremony is here. Evan blowing a kiss to Carly post-rose acceptance made me throw up in my mouth.

The mutual nod of relief shared between Jared and Caila when Ashley offered her rose to Wells made me swallow said throw up.

“Mmmmmmm….” made me throw up again. Carly, WTF do you seem so happy about?

Josh mmmmm

Lace also can’t believe the producers are kicking the Twins out:

Lace twins

Amanda was crying tears of joy because if the producers sent her home she’d actually have to be a mother to her kids.

Amanda

Chris Harrison: “Ryan, Carl, Daniel…all three of you, take a moment, say your goodbyes.”

Seriously, I have no idea who these “Ryan” and “Carl” bros are. As for Daniel, he’ll go back to Canada wearing his maple leaf speedos and be just fine.

BTS of the all-day pool party. Oh, Canada! πŸ‡¨πŸ‡¦ #thebachelorette

A post shared by bacheloretteabc (@bacheloretteabc) on

The rest of the episode consisted of the Twins’ intervention with Amanda, Josh trying to communicate with Amanda (hahah!) and then Josh calling the whole group down so he could yell at them. And finally, Nick being the only one with the balls to speak up and tell Josh he’s an asshole. Go Nick.

It’s impossible to take Josh seriously ever, but even more so when he’s got a rose pinned to his Under Armour Lululemon t-shirt.

Josh rose tshirt

Nick’s response “Or what?” was the fucking best.

Amanda referring to the Twins as her “best friends” raises so many questions.

As if Josh wasn’t hateable enough, packing like he’s going home was such a passive aggressive move it made him even more loathsome.

Josh packing

Combine this with manipulating Amanda into apologizing for HER (?!?) role in this conflict and you have the emotionally abusive monster Andi so clearly documented in her book. Fuck you, Josh.

In the end, Amanda says she’s over it. Josh responds, “mmmmmm….”

Josh mmmmm 2

Oh Wells, I love how doughy you are. You give hope to the rest of us fat fucks.

Jami is a naturally beautiful human being. Completely void of any makeup and with her hair in chaos, she’s ten billion times more beautiful than Ashley ever will be with all her caked-on makeup.

Jami

*cracking another PBR at 7:51pm*

Wells & Jami’s date obviously goes perfectly. She’s a comic book geek and so is he. This is one of those rare moments when two people with quirky interests align and they’re so obviously meant to be together that they’ll inevitably fuck it up. Despite being a fan favorite across the country, Wells will NEVER meet and intellectually connect with a woman as gorgeous as Jami again. The teasers reveal he makes out heavily with another girl tomorrow night, but let’s hope and pray he doesn’t screw this up royally. C’mon Wells, prove you’re better than that.

Ashley sleeping in that mask and being the last person out of bed is so Ashley is hurts.

The most intelligent thing Evan has ever said: “I actually think Jami is more his speed.”

Evan jami

I would give anything to go on a date this chill:

Final thought

I loved Jami on Ben’s season and definitely thought she was overlooked. She’s the epitome of the smart, nerdy girl who’d you’d never look twice at walking down the street. When you actually look at her, however, her natual beauty is striking. Her geeky innocence makes her that much more attractive. Go Wells!

Jami kiss

Apparently Caila bruises easily.

Caila bruise

There was a brilliant scene at the end of the episode between Caila and Ashley so let’s break it down. All snark aside, this confrontation was fascinating!

Caila: “I guess it is hard to get to know someone with their, like…[pause]  …with someone else who loves them here.”

Caila’s pause was a dig at Ashley on the same level as her previous comment of Jared loving her like a sister. She was clearly about to say it was hard to get to know Jared with his “ex” around, but she didn’t give Ashley the credit of being his ex. Caila was able to stop herself in time to refer to Ashley as “someone else who loves” Jared. She’s clearly telling Ashley straight to her face that 1) she’s not Jared’s ex, and 2) he does not reciprocate her love for him. It was an EPIC BURN.

How did Ashley respond?

“I would feel guilty about it too.”

WHAT??? Ashley, at what point did Caila ever say she felt guilty about a damn thing?! She didn’t. Of all the douchebag things to say in that situation, Ashley hit the bull’s-eye. Holy shit. Passive aggressively suggesting that Caila should feel guilty for this entire situation is diabolical. Five-star television at it’s finest. And there’s MORE!

In the context of how difficult this situation is, Caila says,

“I mean, you not trusting me…”

…to which Ashley interjects,

“…it’s hard for you to stay here.”

Um, no Ashley, Caila NEVER said it was hard for her to stay. You just put those words in her mouth. To recap, according to Ashley, Caila’s punishment for dating Jared should be feeling lots of guilt while finding it hard to stay in Paradise. Oh Ashley, you sure are one miserable mofo. Caila in turn described Ashley as baggage walking around with red lipstick. Love it.

Blah, blah…Caila wants to leave, Jared is torn. Of course Jared would need to shake everyone’s hand on his way out because he’s the people’s champion. The teaser for Tuesday night’s episode led to my favorite exchange of the night:

Caila: “You want to talk to other people.”

Jared: “Yeah, cuz I need to…”

Caila: “I don’t need to talk to anyone else.”

If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know then you’re on your own.

I’m in no shape to react to Tuesday’s night’s episode so I’ll have to get to it tomorrow.

I need a life.

*cracking another PBR…*

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