I was all set to blow this off
because I don’t really giving a shit despite promising myself I’d follow through. Then I remembered it would give me an excuse to drink. I also remembered I can’t watch the finale tonight thanks to my fantasy football league draft. Have I mentioned I need life?
Night two of last week’s adventures coming in HOT. Chris Harrison teases us as only he can in his introductory voiceovers: “Tonight, two hot women arrive to Paradise.” [Cue obligatory shot of Lauren H’s ass]
Tastefully followed up by this guy saying: “She looks scrumptious. I just want to eat her up.”
I still don’t
care know who this guy is. No seriously, who is this guy? Vinny got dumped for this clown?
Chris Harrison again: “And the hot Russian confuses Wells even more.” [Cue obligatory shot of
the hot Russian’s Shushanna’s ass]
To which Chris Harrison then says: “How many women can Wells kiss in one day?” C’mon Chris, let Wells have his moment. I guarantee he’s never had this much ass on tap his entire life. He’s just a nice boy from Nashville. *Stayed tuned for a special episode of “After Paradise” featuring Wells opening up about his battle with crabs.*
The opening credits will never not be funny. For my money, Jen is still the best woman on this show. Lauren H may steal the tiara upon arriving this episode, but I dig how the producers gave Jen a classy intro shot void of snarky sound effects:
Or maybe I just have a huge crush on Jen. Perhaps it’s because my boy Nick finally got with someone who doesn’t seem like a sociopath. In contrast, gotta love the “forbidden fruit” symbolism Caila gets branded with:
So we rejoin Caila & Jared mid-exit. I honestly can’t even try to care. Ashley says in the most preposterous and condescending tone ever: “Can you IMAGINE Jared leaving Paradise with someone other than ME?” Actually, I can:
Jared with his best line ever: “IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU! IT’S ABOUT ME!”
Suck harder, Ashley. You can’t.
I take that back, you can.
Another hat-tip to the producers. How many reshoots did it take to make sure they didn’t catch the camera running behind Jared? Kudos to Caila for being able to fake cry over and over again.
And it may have been cut in editing, but leaving all your shit behind to exit Paradise with the woman you love is a total baller move. Maybe this Jared character is a good guy after all.
*Cracking a PBR at 1:23pm. Happy Labor Day.*
Caila: “You coulda stayed.”
Jared [sounding totally defeated]: “What am I gonna do…”
Carly [speaking for all of Bachelor Nation]: “Dude, I can’t handle the Jared thing, like I can’t handle that.”
Let’s take a moment to
hate on appreciate Ashley some more. These words actually came out of her mouth:
Jared and I ended off in a fight, you know? And that being said, I can’t do anything about it so I’m gonna just live my life because right now I have to focus on me.
Umm, when has Ashley ever NOT been focused on herself? Remember when I went off on Evan and wished he’d just go away? Ashley makes me long for Evan. Ashley is making Evan long for Evan. Good times.
Ashley: “Evan? Do you have anything to add?”
Evan: “Nope. Zero things.” I think I like this Evan guy.
More douchebaggery from Ashley:
The one thing I wanna do right now after this crazy day is go freshen my makeup so I look BOMB when Wells comes back with his date with Jami. Because he could like Jami more than me. Could you imagine if after this day that Wells likes Jami more than me? That would suck.
What guys really find attractive is when a girl brings her own industrial strength makeup counter to an idyllic beach paradise resort. This is further proof the Kardashians are destroying American society. Should I ever waste this much time and effort discussing Ashley again, I grant permission to the heavens above to strike me down with the violent fury of a trillion gigawatts.
Wells and Jami return from their date looking rather post-coitally relaxed. Jami is throwing high heat right under Ashley’s grill looking all perky in a stomach-baring tank sans bra. Have I mentioned I love Jen? Go Nick.
I find it cute how everyone checks in with each other before and/or after dates. No Wells, you DON’T owe Ashley a conversation after your date with Jami. Here’s how that conversation should have gone:
Ashley: “Is she the girl of you dreams? [demonic laugh]”
Jami [to Jen & Nick]: “like, omg, I really, like, like him like him [giggle]. …and I was like, ‘that’s in the past I’m your future.'” My boy Nick unknowingly offers some excellent foreshadowing: “Tomorrow, is it gonna be you or Ashley hanging out with Wells?” Jami confidently responds, “Oh it’s gonna be me.”
WRONG! [Cue obligatory shot of the hot Russian’s entrance] Wells, you’re in trouble.
But first, oh hey Lauren H from Ben’s season.
Gotta admit, I had a big crush on her and I really felt Ben dropped the ball giving her the boot. She’s beautiful without being intimidating. She’s a kindergarten teacher which makes her by far the most normal person on the show. And she’s got an absolute bangin’ body. Sue me for noticing.
She was even described as “scrumptious” by some guy I don’t know. Moving on.
Did their surfing instructor make anyone else think of the Brazilian dance instructor from Bob’s Burgers:
No? Just me?
*cracking open a Night Shift Brewing Santilli IPA – full review to come*
Did I mention Wells is in trouble?
Lauren [to the guy I don’t know]: “I’m a very normal, average, boring person.” Jen, please pass your tiara to Lauren.
Nick [to Ashley]: “And you have a reputation of…. yea, and…clingy. No guy likes that.” Also, taking up residence directly in front of giant fans is totally my move.
Time for some real talk from Wells:
I just didn’t expect to have some chemistry with her, but she’s like this sexy Bond villain that you’re not sure if she’s gonna cast some spell on you or murder you or rip your clothes off. And you’re kinda hoping for all three of those things to happen at the same time. Making out with her is like really sexy. Shu is hot.
That “chemistry” Wells is referring to is Shushanna’s Russian accent. Foreign accents are instant boner fuel 100% of the time. Jami who?
She’s like one of those women who just, like, exudes so much sexuality. So this is all uncharted territory for me. I’m just terrified of upsetting anybody because I’ve put myself in this predicament where I’ve got these three women coming after me and I also have feelings for all three of them and I’m running out of time.
Are you sure this thing still makes the cut?
Evan just smacked Carly’s ass and I just spilled all of Shushanna’s boner fuel.
And without further ado, here comes the Josh vs. Nick segment of the program. Josh even walks like an asshole:
They hate each other. Blah, blah, blah. Nick’s a misunderstood martyr and Josh is an emotionally manipulative egomaniac. And he’s gross. Is that pizza grease on his shirt?
Nick [to Jen]: “I think of Amanda as a friend. I wouldn’t want my sister and anyone I really cared about to be a part of that…aggression.” I believe more of this storyline needs to focus on Amanda. Seriously, what’s her deal? What kind of statement is she trying to make with that tank top? Did she borrow it from Josh? What are her daughters thinking watching at home? These two deserve each other.
Good to see Jami immediately pull Wells aside upon his return from his date with the steamy murdering Bond villain. C’mon Wells, all she wants is her perfect puzzle piece.
Shushanna telling Ashley what a good kisser Wells is was ruthless. Ashley handling it like a seventh grade school girl was predictable.
The teasers for next week included lots of engagement ring shopping. My immediate thought at the time:
Then I reacted to the good news:
I’m disgusted by two things: 1) the amount of time I wasted on this blog, and 2) that I can’t watch tonight’s finale.
I need a life.