“Bachelor In Paradise” Aug 29th (Drunken) Reaction

“Bachelor In Paradise” Aug 29th (Drunken) Reaction

Editor’s note: I’m drunk please forgive any typos or obnoxious opinions

I promised in last week’s reaction that I’d do a better job this week. I’ve been drinking and eating heavily for four straight days in honor of Labor Day for no reason at all. So before I get to this week’s reaction, let me crack another PBR.


I feel like I’ve tweeted this a thousand times, but I’ve been #TeamNick ever since Andi’s season.

I never understood why he was perceived as a villain in relation to Josh. The situation he was put in by the producers on Kaitlyn’s season was a different story. Circumstances made it easy to dislike him and for some reason I’ll never understand, America seemed to love Shawn. Both Josh and Shawn sucked. There, I said it. So with the Josh/Nick confrontation heavily teased this week, it was obvious the producers were putting the final touches on their resurrection of Nick. I can’t wait to watch him as the next Bachelor.

*cracking another PBR*

*it’s 4:45pm as I’m typing*

I (kinda not really) feel bad for Ashley. She can’t possibly be this terrible IRL. One theory* I agree with is that her melodramatic, always crying and Jared-obsessed identity is now her livelihood. It’s a marketable character that ABC continues to recast, and therefore, she’s obligated to keep playing it. If she’s not actually this person IRL, she can’t act as such because her value to television would go poof. And so does the clock on her fifteen minutes. Whatever…anyone who’s that obsessed with Jared wearing makeup can’t be trusted. I’m often criticized for making tactless and blunt judgements, but I find it LESS THAN ZERO attractive when women obsess about their makeup the way Ashley does. In my defense, I fully respect the art of makeup. My sister is a senior makeup and wig artist for the Los Angeles Opera. So go fuck yourselves because she’s awesome.

What I can’t wrap my brain around is a woman who needs layers upon layers of foundation, fake eyelashes and bright red lipstick to feel secure on a beach while dirty and covered in sand.

Ashley makeup

As for Jared, the theory* on him is simple: everyone loves him because all we hear about is how everyone loves him. As America watches, we’re constantly told by everyone not named Jared how awesome Jared is. So wow, this Jared guy must really be awesome! But what if he sucks? What if he’s a narcissistic attention whore who’s stringing Ashley along to keep her in love with him to feed his own ego? Clearly nobody from Rhode Island would be that smart terrible, so this can’t be true. I do, however, buy into the theory that he has character flaws just like the rest of the human race. God forbid.

*Theories heard during a must-listen podcast titled “Bachelor Party” hosted by the hilarious Juliet Litman who I absolutely adore. The podcast is produced by Bill Simmons’s “Channel 33” podcast network. If you’re not listening, check it out:

Sorry for the psychoanalysis babble. Back to episode specifics…with more armchair psychoanalysis babble. How about Caila telling Ashley she’s “like a sister” to Jared? I fucking loved it because nothing else would cut into Ashley’s soul as deep.

Ashley Sister.png

Boob sweat aside, Ashley responded with: “I think Caila’s a backstabbing whore of a friend and I’m like ‘just leave me the fuck alone.'”

I still believe Jen is the coolest chick not named Carly on this show.


*cracking another PBR…it’s 5:20pm*

Rewatching this on hulu.com is making me realize that day drinking home alone while blogging about a group of attractive people day drinking on an all expenses-paid vacation to Mexico isn’t nearly as fun as said day drinking in Mexico.

Fuck you Ashley for not being able to enjoy it.

Ashley fuck you

Wells is definitely an interesting guy and everyone loves him undoubtedly because he’s actually real instead of a cookie cutter metro-sexual in the mold of Robbie and Jordan. Fuck Robbie and Jordan.


In case you weren’t sure if Ashley sucked or not, just remember how elated everyone was when Wells asked her to go on his date.

Yes, I’m beating a dead horse while listening to a broken record, but the Twins serve zero purpose other than to provide friendship/comic relief during downtime while acting as matchmakers for everyone else. I love them for it, but there’s no suspense wondering if either will “find love” in Paradise.


Nick and Carly provide the best running commentary and it’s not even close. (And the fact that Nick’s 35 means his word is gospel.)

Nick commentary

Wells before announcing his choice for his date, “Everyone here is really cool…”

*group shot of everyone looking really cool*


I’m barely 30 minutes into the episode OMG I REALLY DON’T CARE THIS MUCH!

Wells took Ashley on a date. It sucked.

Jared and Caila are relieved. Does it matter? Ashley will find a way to destroy them.

The poise Wells shows on his date is exactly the total opposite of what he showed with JoJo in that suspended pool thingy in Argentina. In his defense, JoJo makes me pee down my leg because she looks like this.


A post shared by JoJo Fletcher (@joelle_fletcher) on

I love that Wells loves tacos because I love tacos too.


*cracking another PBR at 5:50pm*

*I’m drunk and really need to speed this up*

In addition to tacos, I love the Lace and Grant drama. I love Lace because I am Lace. Yes, I’ve already stated I am Evan, but I’m also Lace. Her entire conflict with Grant stems from him telling her he loves her after only knowing her for five minutes her inability to believe she deserves nice things. She is broken. She does not deserve to be happy. I am broken and do not deserve to be happy. She sabotages anything good that comes into her life. I embrace sabotage anything good that comes into my life. I wish I had someone in my life that would be as patient with me as Grant is with Lace. And this is why we watch reality TV. We see ourselves in these people and can relate to the situations, minus the whole all-expenses-paid Mexican vacation thing. Lace stares back at me when I stare into a mirror, only her stomach is much flatter and my tits are much bigger.

Lace's body

Grant’s jorts are special.

What kind of lunatic separates just one color of Skittles and eats them? It’s all about shoving an entire handful of mixed colors down your face. You’re supposed to taste the rainbow, not just the purple.

Josh Skittles

I give absolutely zero fucks about whoever this is:

Zero Fucks

Josh makes me vomit.

Josh vomit

More vomit.

Josh vomit more

Quick shout out to the producers: After nailing it with the cheesy 80’s-sitcom style opening credits, the producers have been brilliant this season in their self-awareness. They know this show is utterly ridiculous and rather than insult our intelligence, they keep the cheese fondue tower flowing. While Josh moaned to himself in bed, they played porno music while flashing a cheese pizza. Transitioning out of the segment they showed still shots of cock and balls. It was perfection:





If you’re not picking up on these subtly brilliant clues, it’s your loss. Moving on.

*cracking another PBR at 6:21pm*

It’s time for cocktails pre-rose ceremony. Daniel said something about being close to Santa Claus and his helpers giving him some arts and crafts to pass out to the women. I can’t make this shit up.

I hate waiting this long for our first Chris Harrison sighting (excluding opening credits). If there was anyone’s job I’d take, it would be his. Seriously…he chills in a Mexican resort for a month and does nothing but spend 15 minutes a week directing a rose ceremony. Fuck you, Chris Harrison.

Chris H

*Alert: serious emotional real talk ahead*

Lace dropping bombs:

[To Grant] “…and today, I’ll be honest, was a little bit different for me. I woke up thinking like I didn’t know that men like you existed…right, so…   I did! And I said, ‘he makes me feel like I deserve it, and that…'”

[Interview] “Grant does a really good job of leveling me out and just like complementing my weaknesses I guess…but, realizing that I can’t run away from something that I really actually like. It’s just freaky that someone can complement you so well without you even realizing it, you know?”

Hold the presses… We just heard actual evidence of personal growth and self-awareness.

Lace Grant

(she seems so much older than 26…homegirl’s been living life hard)

Carly & Evan… Sorry, but I just can’t invest in these two. Especially when Carly wears something like this:

Carly Evan

Evan is “like totally” falling in love with Carly. Two weeks ago he was telling Amanda she was the only reason he came to Paradise.

Evan falling in love


These show interruptions to accommodate Evan’s boners are a shameless plug for his business.

Holy shit I’m not even halfway done with MONDAY night’s episode. *cracking another PBR at 6:48pm*

Has anyone found out what Daniel does for a living? I need to know.

Daniel job

My guess is Daniel is an improv comedic actor and the producers have strategically planted him. It’s the only explanation that makes sense.

My interest level in Izzy has fallen below zero since she chopped Vinny’s testicles off on national TV.

Who can pull off white jorts? Nick, that’s who.

Nick jorts

Josh to Amanda: “I was worried you didn’t miss me… Oh you’re in trouble for your Houdini act. Hmmph just kidding…”

Josh houdini

Translation: he’s not at all emotionally abusive the way Andi claims he is….

The reality? Amanda was tired and wanted to go to bed by herself. How dare she.

Josh Amanda

*I have to pee*

The whole pulling aside of Nick and subsequent intervention with Amanda by the Twins was obviously staged by the producers. And as great as the Twins are, their tear-filled vague explanation of their “source” was so brutal that I have nothing else to say about it. Everyone will have his/her own opinion of it. Whatever. Additionally, their self-imposed exile from Paradise also reeked of producer intervention. I believe the producers realized the Twins had run their course and were no longer serving a purpose. There were more compelling characters deserving of screen time.

*cracking another PBR at 7:10pm*

This is why I’m excited for Nick as the next Bachelor. He’s genuinely engaged when listening to people and he gives thoughtful responses that are very real even if unpopular. He doesn’t care who he pisses off.

Nick thoughtfull

FINALLY the actually rose ceremony is here. Evan blowing a kiss to Carly post-rose acceptance made me throw up in my mouth.

The mutual nod of relief shared between Jared and Caila when Ashley offered her rose to Wells made me swallow said throw up.

“Mmmmmmm….” made me throw up again. Carly, WTF do you seem so happy about?

Josh mmmmm

Lace also can’t believe the producers are kicking the Twins out:

Lace twins

Amanda was crying tears of joy because if the producers sent her home she’d actually have to be a mother to her kids.


Chris Harrison: “Ryan, Carl, Daniel…all three of you, take a moment, say your goodbyes.”

Seriously, I have no idea who these “Ryan” and “Carl” bros are. As for Daniel, he’ll go back to Canada wearing his maple leaf speedos and be just fine.

BTS of the all-day pool party. Oh, Canada! 🇨🇦 #thebachelorette

A post shared by bacheloretteabc (@bacheloretteabc) on

The rest of the episode consisted of the Twins’ intervention with Amanda, Josh trying to communicate with Amanda (hahah!) and then Josh calling the whole group down so he could yell at them. And finally, Nick being the only one with the balls to speak up and tell Josh he’s an asshole. Go Nick.

It’s impossible to take Josh seriously ever, but even more so when he’s got a rose pinned to his Under Armour Lululemon t-shirt.

Josh rose tshirt

Nick’s response “Or what?” was the fucking best.

Amanda referring to the Twins as her “best friends” raises so many questions.

As if Josh wasn’t hateable enough, packing like he’s going home was such a passive aggressive move it made him even more loathsome.

Josh packing

Combine this with manipulating Amanda into apologizing for HER (?!?) role in this conflict and you have the emotionally abusive monster Andi so clearly documented in her book. Fuck you, Josh.

In the end, Amanda says she’s over it. Josh responds, “mmmmmm….”

Josh mmmmm 2

Oh Wells, I love how doughy you are. You give hope to the rest of us fat fucks.

Jami is a naturally beautiful human being. Completely void of any makeup and with her hair in chaos, she’s ten billion times more beautiful than Ashley ever will be with all her caked-on makeup.


*cracking another PBR at 7:51pm*

Wells & Jami’s date obviously goes perfectly. She’s a comic book geek and so is he. This is one of those rare moments when two people with quirky interests align and they’re so obviously meant to be together that they’ll inevitably fuck it up. Despite being a fan favorite across the country, Wells will NEVER meet and intellectually connect with a woman as gorgeous as Jami again. The teasers reveal he makes out heavily with another girl tomorrow night, but let’s hope and pray he doesn’t screw this up royally. C’mon Wells, prove you’re better than that.

Ashley sleeping in that mask and being the last person out of bed is so Ashley is hurts.

The most intelligent thing Evan has ever said: “I actually think Jami is more his speed.”

Evan jami

I would give anything to go on a date this chill:

Final thought

I loved Jami on Ben’s season and definitely thought she was overlooked. She’s the epitome of the smart, nerdy girl who’d you’d never look twice at walking down the street. When you actually look at her, however, her natual beauty is striking. Her geeky innocence makes her that much more attractive. Go Wells!

Jami kiss

Apparently Caila bruises easily.

Caila bruise

There was a brilliant scene at the end of the episode between Caila and Ashley so let’s break it down. All snark aside, this confrontation was fascinating!

Caila: “I guess it is hard to get to know someone with their, like…[pause]  …with someone else who loves them here.”

Caila’s pause was a dig at Ashley on the same level as her previous comment of Jared loving her like a sister. She was clearly about to say it was hard to get to know Jared with his “ex” around, but she didn’t give Ashley the credit of being his ex. Caila was able to stop herself in time to refer to Ashley as “someone else who loves” Jared. She’s clearly telling Ashley straight to her face that 1) she’s not Jared’s ex, and 2) he does not reciprocate her love for him. It was an EPIC BURN.

How did Ashley respond?

“I would feel guilty about it too.”

WHAT??? Ashley, at what point did Caila ever say she felt guilty about a damn thing?! She didn’t. Of all the douchebag things to say in that situation, Ashley hit the bull’s-eye. Holy shit. Passive aggressively suggesting that Caila should feel guilty for this entire situation is diabolical. Five-star television at it’s finest. And there’s MORE!

In the context of how difficult this situation is, Caila says,

“I mean, you not trusting me…”

…to which Ashley interjects,

“…it’s hard for you to stay here.”

Um, no Ashley, Caila NEVER said it was hard for her to stay. You just put those words in her mouth. To recap, according to Ashley, Caila’s punishment for dating Jared should be feeling lots of guilt while finding it hard to stay in Paradise. Oh Ashley, you sure are one miserable mofo. Caila in turn described Ashley as baggage walking around with red lipstick. Love it.

Blah, blah…Caila wants to leave, Jared is torn. Of course Jared would need to shake everyone’s hand on his way out because he’s the people’s champion. The teaser for Tuesday night’s episode led to my favorite exchange of the night:

Caila: “You want to talk to other people.”

Jared: “Yeah, cuz I need to…”

Caila: “I don’t need to talk to anyone else.”

If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know then you’re on your own.

I’m in no shape to react to Tuesday’s night’s episode so I’ll have to get to it tomorrow.

I need a life.

*cracking another PBR…*

Beer Review: Harpoon Sweet Spot

Beer Review: Harpoon Sweet Spot

*Obligatory Disclaimer: I have zero formal training or knowledge of brewing. I’m just a guy who likes to drink beer so I offer general uneducated thoughts on what I drink.*

It’s September 1st so summer is (un)officially over. Why not review a beer that debuted this summer? Harpoon Brewery will make this beer available year-round, but I’m reviewing it as a summer seasonal.

Labeled as a Golden Ale, I needed a refresher on exactly what one is. According to brewiki.com:

Blonde Ale also called Golden Ale is a straw to medium blonde ale that has moderate bitterness and maltiness. The style is closely related to traditional mass market lagers, and was originally intended as a way of transitioning mass market consumers to craft beers.


Blonde Ale’s originated in North America. Craft Beer brewers created blonde ale as a moderate introduction for mass market American consumers used to traditional American mass market beers such as American Pilsner.


Dry, light to medium body with light malty sweetness. Low to medium hop bitterness with minimal aroma. Slight fruit flavor. Light yellow to golden blonde color with no chill haze. Med to high carbonation. All malt, dry, crisp beer approximating a lager in overall character. Enjoying a resurgence at many microbreweries as an alternative to American style lagers.

This all makes sense to me because I mentally lumped Sweet Spot into the same class as the Budweisers, Pabsts and Narragansetts of the world. Perhaps that’s unfair, but whatever.

Harpoon Sweet Spot

4.8% ABV 26 IBUs

Pouring a 12oz. can into a glass, the beer is light and bubbly with a substantial white head that dissipated surprisingly slow. Nice lacing remains along the inside of the glass. It’s a very humid day, hence all the condensation on the can and glass.


My untappd check-in

The nose is bright and subtly hoppy with bread yeast characteristics. Despite the macro-brewed yellowish color, there’s obviously more to this beer (as you’d expect…it’s Harpoon after all).

The taste has bitterness, but no trace of hoppy citrus notes. It’s slightly sweet, but without the sweet-rice taste I get in all the macro “lawn mower” beers. Dare I say the sweetness is giving me some fresh pear?  I don’t think there are enough flavor notes to properly complement the bitterness. I’m left with a bit of an unpleasant lingering finish.

With that said, this is still a good light(er) beer that’s easy drinking for the summer. The mouthfeel is right for the season and the carbonation isn’t overbearing. In other words, you won’t feel as bloated as you would after pounding Coors Lights at a Black Sabbath concert. I was able to put down a lot of these in succession (shocker). A 12-pack of Sweet Spot would be perfect to bring to a friend’s backyard BBQ and will pair well with the burgers, dogs, chicken and steak tips coming off the grill. This beer is also a great alternative to other wheat-style summer brews. Yes, I’m talking about you, Sam Adams Summer Ale.


Pregaming before tonight’s Patriots game. #FreeTomBrady


My untappd check-in

“Bachelor In Paradise” Aug 22nd & 23rd Reaction

“Bachelor In Paradise” Aug 22nd & 23rd Reaction

I really wanted to be full of hilarious wit and snark after LAST week’s BIP episodes. I truly did. But I was so *meh* after watching I lost all motivation. Inspiration can be a bitch to find and no level of Josh’s asshole persona could help. To give you an idea of how lame I was, here are unedited brain spurts I blabbered down while watching.

Remember Leah’s lips? How about Ashley’s? Jeez Louise.

At some point Jared has to man up and tell Ashley to GTFO.

Ashley, he doesn’t love you.
Daniele has power like the Pope. Papa bear’s gonna sit on his throne and let them come to him. Ugh

Carly. Oh Carly. 

Now that a woman likes Evan, she’s the love of his life. And he just admitted he faked his injury.

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. I’ll try to do better this week. And by better I mean I still need a life.

The thing I’m convinced of at this point is Jorge for the next Bachelor with live commentary by these guys:

Like you wouldn’t love it.

“Bachelor In Paradise” Tues Aug 16 Episode Reaction 

“Bachelor In Paradise” Tues Aug 16 Episode Reaction 

So, I got Evan out of my system yesterday. Tuesday night’s episode was mostly Evan-free, but the time he did get was every bit as obnoxious as Monday night.

Question: what is a hipster weasel?

He gleefully acknowledged his trip to the hospital would basically equate to a date with Carly. Perhaps this shouldn’t irritate me so much, but it does.

I will say that swollen ankles can be a scary symptom of something more serious, so of course I hope he’s fine and I’m sure he is. He’s got the love of his life (aka: three days) by his side.

With that out of the way, here are some other notes of interest:

  • Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but Daniel is “confused”
  • Caila’s hair isn’t really all that special. I’m a guy so I only have my eyes to go by, but it seems pretty basic to me. Her hair always looks great because it’s long and she always wears it down. Guys aren’t that hard to impress, but what do I know?
  • #cailashair was a brief thing on twitter
  • Do girls like it when the guy constantly moans while kissing? Asking for a friend.
  • I don’t know anything about Vizzy. I guess one of the pros (cons?) of coupling up so early is that the producers leave you alone.
  • Jared really is too nice for this show. Kudos for real life, but not for production value. And Caila is being too nice by considering leaving Paradise after Ashley arrived. Or is Caila a phoney?
  • I have zero fucks to give about Ashley. Perhaps my favorite moment of the entire episode was this:

Speaking of Nick, I’ve been #teamnick since Andi’s season. I believe he got a bad rap for staying honest with himself without being a d-bag about it. Perhaps it was more about my dislike of Josh and how obvious it was he’d win because Andi can’t resist the jock asshole type. So I was happy to see Nick have a great date despite the crabs.

Sidebar: I had absolutely no idea who Jennifer was.

Ahh, ok. Ben’s season. Got it.

Needless to say, she’s hot and seemed very attracted to Nick, so good for these two kids. I’m convinced the crabs were planted by the producers. See any in this pic? Just sayin’…

This episode lacked the plentiful preposterous quotes of previous weeks, but whatever. We’re still going to watch.

And I still need a life.

“Bachelor In Paradise” Mon Aug 15 Episode Reaction 

“Bachelor In Paradise” Mon Aug 15 Episode Reaction 

Episode aired Monday night, August 15, 2016.

Evan sucks.

I tweeted this last night and it bears repeating:

*Criticism of Evan does NOT equate an endorsement or justification of Chad.*

The scene of Josh confronting Evan off on their own made my blood boil. Of course Josh sucks. Of course Andi can’t say no to bad boys. Of course everything he says sounds disingenuous, but when Evan actually used the word “crusade” to justify his motives all he accomplished was outing his true self.

It shouldn’t need to be said that I don’t know Evan personally. With that disclaimer out of the way, this is how I perceived last night’s episode.

Evan is that awkward geek who always got stuffed inside his locker by the school bullies. Bullying is never ok, but rather than stand up for himself and earn the respect of others, he allowed these experiences to mold his character and plant deep insecurities within. He eventually went on to have an assumably successful career as an adult and feels empowered by what he perceives to be his intellectual superiority. He thinks he’s doing the world (aka: women) a favor by calling out every alpha male who makes him feel insignificant. Perhaps it’s just nosey meddling when “protecting” a woman he’s not interested in, but when romantically interested it’s petty jealousy at its worst.

It doesn’t matter how sweaty a douche bag Josh is, the fact remains the world never asked Evan to fight this fight. Second, it’s always poor taste to talk shit like that directly behind someone’s back. Third, it was an insult to Amanda by assuming she’s incapable of handling herself. Lastly, the timing and circumstances of Evan’s “move” was obviously motivated by spite and a desire to sabotage. After all, if he can’t have Amanda, why should anyone else?

And then there’s his immediate 180 turn back to Carly the instant she gave him the time of day (aka: the rose).

Evan so desperately needs acceptance from women that he instantly falls in schoolboy love with any unsuspecting woman who reciprocates conversation.

Evan actually said he thought his kids would really like Carly. Dude…you were JUST telling Amanda how you came to Paradise specifically to meet her and you’d always regret it if you didn’t try. Now you’re envisioning Carly taking your kids to the park for an afternoon playdate.

After the rose ceremony, poor Carly hosts an “apartment” party and Evan can’t keep his shit together to save his life. It simply wasn’t enough to laugh at Daniel’s relentless weirdness, he had to one-up him. Perhaps others saw his attempts at push-ups to be endearing self-deprication, but my money’s on his need to distract the room’s focus away from the alpha male and back on himself.

Carly’s observation of Evan having zero swag is so dead on it hurts.

At the end of the night he tries to kiss Carly and when she refused he was so emotionally destroyed he FAKED a medical issue to lure her to his bedside. WHO DOES THAT?! Once it appears he’s ok and the producers and medics leave, he creepily wraps his tenticles around Carly and pulls her onto the bed and kisses her. The entire sequence was an epic scumbag move all while wearing THAT tank top with THOSE shorts. My god.

Carly admits she finds “weird” attractive so best of luck to her. Perhaps they end up being a great match. Just a couple of crazy kids getting their freak on.

Duh… It’s stupid “reality” TV, I know.

Part of the fun is breaking these people down because at the end of the day they’re still human. Despite all the obvious producer provocation, the feelings are real because this is their momentary reality. And whether we admit it or not, we watch because we imagine ourselves in these situations and sometimes – gasp!! –  see a little of ourselves in the characters.

I can’t stand guys like Evan.

They’re the worst.

I am Evan.

(…not really, but kinda?)


Bonus thought:

I’ve always loved Sarah, (Twitter) (Instagram) but her attraction to Daniel is disturbing. On the subject of insecurities, Daniel’s are on grand display as faux machismo. For an eagle who never settles for pigeons, he sure looked like a guy who’s never kissed a girl in his life.

Sarah deserves better.

And I need a life.